How to Start Setting Boundaries After Childhood Sexual Abuse
If you grew up with your boundaries constantly crossed, ignored, or erased, it makes sense that they’d be hard to define now. If no one ever asked what you were okay with, or worse, ignored your “no,” it’s no surprise that the idea of setting limits now feels confusing, scary, or even impossible.
If this is you, you’re not broken, you’re not weak, and you’re not alone. So many of us who experienced childhood sexual abuse struggle to understand what boundaries even are, let alone how to hold them, but it’s something we can learn, one step at a time.
What Struggling With Boundaries Might Look Like
Struggling with boundaries can show up in different ways in our lives. You might be someone who:
Says yes to things, even though every part of you wants to say no
Feels overwhelmed when people are upset with you
Freezes when touched unexpectedly
Avoids confrontation at all costs, even when it hurts you
Gives more than you’re comfortable giving just to be liked or needed
Doesn't even know what your boundaries are, let alone how to name them
Maybe you’ve had a moment where someone crossed a line and, afterward, you couldn’t stop thinking, Why didn’t I say something? Why did I just let that happen?
These aren’t personality flaws, they’re survival patterns. Many of us learned early on that speaking up didn’t make a difference, or worse, made things more dangerous, so we learned to stay quiet, to be accommodating, and to ignore our own discomfort.
The Long Shadow of Childhood Abuse
When you’re a child and someone crosses your physical or emotional boundaries, especially someone you’re supposed to trust, it changes how you see the world. It teaches you that your body isn’t really your own and that saying “no” doesn’t matter. It also instills the idea that it’s safer to disconnect than to resist. That’s not your fault. That’s trauma.
It’s not just about what happened to your body, it’s also about what it taught you to believe. Narratives such as, I don’t matter, or that my needs are too much, and that keeping others happy is how I stay safe is common among victims of childhood sexual abuse.
So many CSA survivors grow up into adults who are kind, caring, sensitive, but incredibly unsure of how to protect themselves. We overextend, people-please, shut down, or isolate, not because we want to, but because our nervous systems are still doing what they learned to do a long time ago: to survive.
Relearning Boundaries Is Possible—And It Starts Small
You don’t have to transform overnight. You don’t have to suddenly become assertive, confident, or perfect at standing your ground. In fact, it’s okay if boundaries feel messy and awkward at first. That’s perfectly normal.
Rebuilding boundaries starts with tuning into your body and emotions and it might look like:
Noticing when something feels off, and giving yourself permission to feel that
Practicing saying “I’m not sure about that,” or “Let me get back to you,” instead of an automatic yes
Creating space after a conversation to check in with how you feel
Taking a break from a situation where you feel overwhelmed, even if it’s just walking to another room
These are small steps, but they matter. Every time you notice a discomfort and don’t dismiss it, you’re reinforcing to yourself: I’m allowed to feel. I’m allowed to choose.
How Therapy Can Help
If you’re experiencing issues setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, therapy can offer a space where your “no” is respected and where you get to explore what you need at your own pace. A trauma-informed therapist won’t rush you. They’ll check in and help you notice what you’re feeling in your body, and they’ll support you in finding your own voice again. Remember, therapy isn’t about fixing you—it’s about giving you a space to be you, maybe for the first time.
It’s Okay If Setting Your Boundaries Takes Time
Some of us grew up feeling like we didn’t have a right to say no and that our needs made us difficult, so it might feel strange, even wrong, to start choosing ourselves now.
But it’s important to remember that you are allowed to take up space and be unsure. You’re allowed to get it wrong and try again. One day, you’ll say no to something that once would have drained you, and you’ll pause before saying yes. Eventually, you’ll feel that little sense of peace that comes from honouring yourself.
You Deserve to Feel Safe in Your Own Life
Boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re how we protect our peace and they’re how we say: I matter. I belong to me.
No one taught you that when you were young, but you can teach it to yourself now, and you don’t have to do it alone.
If you need support, connect with a therapist, join a support group, or even just talk to someone you trust. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. And you deserve to feel held while you heal.
Do you struggle with boundaries? Leave a comment below or start a conversation in The Chrysalis.