Depression and Childhood Sexual Abuse
For most of my adult life, I lived with depression. But I didn’t call it that. I didn’t label it or talk about it. It was just a quiet fog I carried with me, a heaviness that followed me through life like a shadow I could not shake.
I didn’t know then that what I was experiencing was connected to something I had buried deep inside.
When the Depression Started
It began when I left for university.
Until then, I had been surrounded by the noise and familiarity of home. But when I moved out and started living on my own, the silence became unbearable. The sadness that had lived quietly in the background of my life suddenly moved to the front.
I thought I was just homesick. But it was more than that.
I didn’t understand it at the time, but what I was feeling was a delayed response to the trauma of being sexually abused as a child. When I left home, I also left behind the distractions, routines, and emotional survival tools I had built up over the years. Without them, everything I had buried started to surface.
Keeping the Secret Deep Within
I didn’t tell a single soul.
Not about the abuse. Not about the sadness. Not about the emptiness I felt inside. I learned to function with it, to study, to work, to laugh when needed. But underneath it all, I was struggling.
I lived this way for decades, dipping in and out of depression, sometimes able to manage, sometimes barely holding on. Eventually the cycles of depression became my norm, but it was never okay.
Why Does Childhood Sexual Abuse Often Lead to Depression?
There’s a strong link between childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and depression in adulthood. Survivors are significantly more likely to experience chronic depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.
Why?
Because CSA wounds more than the body. It impacts the way we see ourselves, and the world. It often creates deep feelings of shame, confusion, and self-blame, especially if the abuse was never talked about, validated, or processed, and that pain gets internalized.
You begin to believe things like:
“It was my fault.”
“I must be bad.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
These beliefs don’t just stay in your mind, they settle into your body. They affect how you connect with others, how you handle challenges, and how you see your future. Over time, they can turn into persistent depression.
When the Cloud Finally Lifted
Things began to shift when I finally started talking about my abuse in therapy.
It wasn’t easy. It took time to even say the words out loud. But something powerful happened when I did. When my therapist listened—really listened—with empathy and without judgment, it was like a fog began to lift.
For the first time, I felt heard. Believed. Seen.
I realized: I wasn’t bad. I had no reason to feel ashamed. The guilt I had been carrying didn’t belong to me.
That shift didn’t happen all at once, but slowly, steadily, the depression began to lose its grip and I started to feel much lighter.
The Power of Being Heard
There’s something deeply healing about telling your story in a safe space. Trauma lives in silence, and the more we hide our pain, the more it weighs us down.
When I finally broke that silence, everything began to change, not because the abuse didn’t happen, but because I stopped carrying it alone.
You’re Not Broken—You’re Healing
If you’re reading this and living with depression, I want you to know: you’re not broken. What you’re feeling makes sense. It’s a very human response to something that was never your fault. You don’t have to minimize your pain. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt, and you definitely don’t have to carry it in silence.
Ways to Release the Burden of CSA
Here are a few things that supported me along the way:
Therapy: Especially trauma-informed therapy, where I felt safe to explore the truth.
Journaling: Writing down my thoughts, memories, and feelings helped me process the confusion.
Community: Being around others who understood, helped me feel less alone.
Self-compassion: Learning to treat myself gently, like I would a friend or a child, made a big difference.
A Note from My Heart to Yours
For years, I lived with depression without fully understanding where it came from. Now I know—it was the silent grief of unspoken trauma. But healing is possible.
If you’re a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and struggling with depression, you are not alone and your depression is not a personal failure. It’s a sign of pain that deserves care, not silence.
There is nothing wrong with you. There never was. You were hurt, and now, you’re healing. When you’re ready, tell your story. Speak it, write it, or even whisper it.
